5 Ways People Try to Help Someone With ADHD That Aren’t Actually Helpful (and What to Do Instead)

Ok summary: 1. Organizing or cleaning FOR someone with ADHD vs WITH them. 2. Encouraging to finish before taking a break vs breaking things up into chunks 3. “Get it to me whenever” vs communicating about a deadline 4. Insisting on a system that works for you vs meet them where there at and come up with a new system together 5. “Everyone struggles with that” vs listening to and understanding their unique experience 5b. “It’s easy” vs allowing to judge easiness of a task by themselves Bonus. Do the hard task first vs doing easy tasks first.

One thing you didn't mention but which is very important for me: if you know that your child/partner/etc with adhd has a task they have trouble with and are putting off, don't constantly remind them or ask if they've done it. It makes the stress of actually doing the task even worse because now they also feel like they've let you down. Instead you can ask "when should I remind you again"?

As a mom of ADHD kids who has ADHD herself, I often feel like I have the inside scoop on helping them manage their own brains. But OH! The DRAMA surrounding finishing homework! A 20 minute assignment could take HOURS! I'd tried pomodoros, but to no avail. Finally, one day my son said, "Mom, if I write one sentence, can I have a one minute breaK?" I did the math... 12 sentences to write at that rate = 24 minutes. That was DOUBLE the time it "should" have taken. I said an instant "Yes! We can absolutely do that! But you only earn the break if you write the sentence in one minute." Why? Because 24 minutes was going to be an absolute record time for him finishing said assignment. And it WORKED! Never in my life did I imagine that a one minute break was going to be enough for him. I'd spent months dangling 5 minute breaks, 20 minute breaks, or even longer just HOPING it would help. But that one minute break has been a miracle worker in our house. I slowly upped him to the point where he can work for 5-10 minutes at a time before earning his one minute break. We use this for anything and everything that I recognize as a "wall of awful" in his brain.

"When someone is sharing their struggles with us, it often means that they're either asking for help, or asking to be understood" is incredibly profound and impactful. Thank you for that!

8:56 The hidden side of things being "easy" is this: I'm a 50-year old man with ADHD. I'm strong and healthy. I'm not afraid of hard work. Nobody needs to tell me something is easy, because I am evidently capable. But nobody ever asks me how much effort I have to put in to get things done, or how long it takes.

7:39 "Everyone struggles with this." - This can also fuel our imposter syndrome about whether we have ADHD or not. Particulary when we first discover the possibility of having ADHD. We've found an explanation for why we struggle with some things more than everyone else seems to, and this gives us hope. But if "everyone struggles with that", then maybe we are wrong, and we are just a bad person.

Thank you for explaining why I hated when my mom would clean my room when I was at school. I'd get home and wouldn't be able to find anything without asking her, and she'd kind of make me feel bad/stupid because obviously my pencil case is in my writing desk drawer, but I keep it under the writing desk for quicker access. After a hundred times getting talked down to because "I wouldn't have to clean and organize your room if you did it yourself" I just eventually stopped asking her where things were and just ended up tearing up my room looking for things, and eventually she stopped cleaning my room for me, but still made me feel bad because I'm a "messy lazy disorganized brat".

The to do list popping up at 10:12 is a visual representation of my anxiety spiking when I'm trying to relax and suddenly remember all the things I have to do.

The "no deadline means it won't get done" thing clicked SO hard with me. It explains why I've fizzled at so many self-assigned projects. And why I dropped out of the zero-deadlines "go-at-your-own-pace" online college I attempted last year. It was super well designed content, I had enough free time, and I knew the concepts in the first batch of classes wouldn't be too hard for me... but I kept doing other things instead of my schoolwork. That guilt when you know you're 100% capable of doing a thing but can't make yourself do the thing is the worst.

Practice #2 -- Forcing the work to be done before leisure time is allowed -- cost me my entire childhood from age 9 onward. If you have an ADHD kid, NEVER EVER *EVER* DO THIS. They will end up miserable and socially isolated with the worst study habits you could ever hope for

Man, the "Everyone struggles with this!" talk is SO real for me! I've had really close friends downplay things I finally mustered the courage to tell them, effectively shutting down the conversation, and it has led to a pattern of sharing very little of the truly deep things I'm dealing with. Nice to know others are out there who get it!

#2 explains my K-12 years so well! Sometimes I wondered whether I deserved my decent grades in school, since I was rumored to "never pay attention" in class, and would subsequently spend almost the entire rest of each day, from the end of the school day to late at night, NOT doing my homework. Instead of doing my homework, I was sitting in front of my homework, looking at it and wishing I weren't so lazy (often while my neurotypical, higher-functioning sister got to use the TV and computer). It took me a little while as an adult to figure out that maybe I did deserve to relax on purpose sometimes! It took me even longer to realize that maybe I DID earn my school successes fair and square, even if my effort didn't look like effort in the conventional sense. My entire life revolved around my schoolwork for over a decade, and even afterward in college. I felt so exhausted by the time I graduated, and then I wasn't clear on what to do with myself! In retrospect, I think my biggest regret about my academic experience was caring so much. Getting good grades and earning a degree were so central to my self-worth at the time, but I don't even USE the degree and no one cares what my childhood report cards looked like. If I tried to have any of it written on my tombstone, the cemetery-goers would just roll their eyes! I wish I could take the time back and invest it in something more personally meaningful to me. That got way off topic, I'm sorry.

As a 34-year-old male who was diagnosed with ADHD, living with parents who don't believe that ADHD is a real disorder, I find these videos to be comforting and informative.

"it's still hard for us, but now we feel BAD about the fact that it's hard for us". Welcome to another episode of Jessica beautifully sums up something I've been struggling to express for my entire life. THANK YOU JESSICA!!!!

My mom and I both have ADHD, and in terms of the "finishing an assignment" and "making a system" things she told me about a useful system for preparing to work on something, so I'm gonna repeat it here for anyone who wants to try it! The quick version: 1. set up whatever you're going to work on. 2. leave your work where it is, grab something to eat and/or drink, then go do something else for a bit to clear your mind. 3. come back to your work feeling at least a little refreshed, and start working. 4. Take breaks as you need them, and if it works for you, you can rinse and repeat these steps to get back in the groove better. The longer version: 1. pick a spot that you feel comfortable working in that doesn't have very many options for getting distracted, and set up your workspace with whatever you need. 2. Leave your workspace and grab something to eat and/or drink. If you're not feeling particularly hungry for whatever reason, at least get something that you can snack on a little at a time, like a bag of cereal. 2.5. Don't go back to your workspace just yet, instead, go and do something else for a while that relaxes you and clears your head. I strongly suggest setting up a timer for this. 3. Go back to your workspace hopefully feeling refreshed and ready to start working, then get to doing the work. 4. Take breaks as you need them, if you want to and/or if it works for you, then you can basically rinse and repeat these steps as many times as you need in your work process.

I just retired from teaching after 37 years. I know I was a good teacher and students and parents loved me, but I always struggled to keep my classroom and desk looking the way others wanted. The worst thing was when I would have a substitute and they would “organize” my desk or classroom. I know they thought they were helping, but first of all, I could not find things for days afterward. And it always felt terrible because I felt judged.

The part about being sat down until it's finished hit me close to home. I had a teacher make me finish my spelling work for the whole term, in the classroom, while they had a Class Christmas Party. It was a punishment for not finishing my spelling work for the term. I didn't even get it finished before the party was over. I remember being upset to the point where I didn't even want to go to school anymore.

Now i need an adhd gothic horror movie. Haunted by the to-do list, constantly looking around like you vaguely forgot something, spend the whole movie searching for your missing planner...i can feel the dread!

The to-do list stalking you was HILARIOUS, but also a great way to show how it feels. The guilt when I remember my abandoned to-dos throughout the day makes me panic for a second each time it pops back up in my brain!

#2. Is so important for educators. I see educators trying to help by forcing students to finish something that “should” take ten minutes… But it is taking them 30-40, and they just keep trying to get them to finish before doing anything else. The student misses out on other things, whether fun things or instructional time, and gets frustrated. Often then the student will start misbehaving or will finish the assignment poorly just to be done and get to leave.