I’m a 30 year old loser lol - AvPD & ADHD

This has been just about every day of the last eight years since my husband died. I struggled with it before he died, I've had adhd anxiety and depression since i was a teen. But the last eight years, i have been paralyzed and it feels like weed is the only thing keeping me from losing it entirely. I'm a mom too, so that just makes it worse. My kiddos deserve so much better. Thanks for sharing.

I isolate myself too. I go for weeks without seeing anyone. You are very brave to have a boyfreind! You are amazing for graduating college. I dropped out cause I couldnt take the pressure. I dont smoke weed, cause I live in missouri. I dont do video games because it hurts my eyes. I have porn addiction. I have depression, hopelessness, aimlessnes and no motivation or enthusiasm. I overeat instead of drinking. I do chores and then watch youtube all day. I'm unemployed and too sick to work. Most people are pretty messed up, so dont feel bad for having issues. We are all perfectly imperfect.

I'm so glad the algorithm suggested this. I resonate SO much with your experience, including using weed as a coping mechanism. These last few months have been especially hard, but one thing that helped me get out of a depressive headspace was getting really clear on my "why". I.e. when I wake up and feel like going back to bed, doom scrolling, etc. what's the thing driving me to act differently. It can be literally anything. Think of a time in your life when you were happy, something you enjoy doing, part of your identity you want to reclaim, etc. It can be as simple as "I'm not a quitter". The other (more important) part is accepting that the process of changing old habits will likely be hard and uncomfortable. Your growth will probably not be linear. But do it anyway. It'll get easier and you're worth it. Also, even though it's not always appealing, make your best effort to be physically active- it's one of the only activities that hits all four of the happiness chemicals in your brain. It doesn't have to be intense, even a 15 minute walk is great. Anything to connect your brain back to your body. Hope some of this helps, from one neurodivergent to another ❤

I have CPTSD, i can relate to some of what you're experiencing. When you talked about your partner coming home and the anxiety of trying to hide your lack of daily activities or accomplishments... ugh. I just wanted to tell you I hate that feeling and that anyone else has it too. Hugs to you, stranger.

Hi girl. You graduated not too long ago. Let me tell you, healing is in a way much more challenging than graduating. But you have it in you. These video's are evidence of it. This was a very brave video. I hope you take a moment to acknowledge that.

For quitting weed, I'd recommend starting with reducing your consumption. Going cold turkey from daily use can be really difficult, and that's ok. Ration by day/week. Or create a rule for yourself- every time before you smoke, you have to complete an unpleasant task, etc. This will deter you AND create a pause to shift your brain out of autopilot/allow you to act more intentionally. If you slip up, do your best not to shame yourself. We're only human- life is hard and our brains were never designed to handle this level of constant stress/stimulation. One step at a time, you got this ⚡️

TOTALLY non-professional advice, but based on experience (forced) and research, Exposure Therapy of slowly increasing tolerated levels of triggers, ending each "training" while positive, VS increasingly avoiding activities is VERY helpful!!! And as a woman, frankly, the clock on how long you can exist this way is shorter than you think we are especially vulnerable, and living this way is passive suicide even WITH a dream trust fund. And yes, I'm speaking to my younger self, & anyone else that needs to hear this! You deserve better, and you know in your heart what tiny, tolerable steps you can take to get OUT of your comfort zone and build upon, which absolutely gets easier. Definitely reward yourself! And RADICAL ACCEPTANCE is super life changing. Sending the reader sincere, understanding vibes 😍

Damn I needed to see this. Thank you for sharing all of this. I feel so much less alone now. You’re amazing and I hope you just keep moving forward 1 day at a time at a pace that makes you comfortable.

Takes guts girl. I was also diagnosed with AvPD and ADHD. A sleep study added sleep apnea, Restless Leg Syndrome, and hypersomnia to the mix. People have no idea how much it screws up your life. It destroyed any chance at a successful career. Get a degree ? Not a snowball's chance in... I have no friends and can go a week or 2 and not talk to anyone. You are right that they form a feedback loop. The ADHD embarrasses you, the AvPD provides a 'safe' hole to retreat to. The hpersomnia turns off the braIn as soon as I try to focus. The sleep apnea makes sleep a nightmare and RLS does the same during the day.. My drug of choice is weed since I was 18 (now 72). I do not think people understand how much the loneliness hurts. I have had periods when I catch myself brushing my arms with my fingertips just to remember what it feels like to be touched by another human being. Grocery stores, oh yeah. I am lucky I have one that is 24/7 so I go get groceries at 2:00 AM. But I will also say you are giving in. I was able to start getting a handle on it when I learned about the 'executive functions' view of ADHD. I realized that by understanding that pattern, I was able to start putting into place routines that made ADHD managable. Now I recognize the pattern as soon as it happens so I can stop and think then remember what I had just forgotten. I am now stopping to look around a room before I leave asking "OK, what did I forget to do/turn off/leave behind. Once I realized I could get ADHD under control, I could start working on the AvPD. I see a movement specialist for the RLS and now have drugs + magnesium that is controlling the RLS. Amphetamine battles the hpersomnia. Therapy helps with the AvPD.. Also realize that progress has to come in small steps. I tried to go on a group bike ride (too many people). Good people, but the emotional pressure kept building until all I could think of was "I have to get away". I have started repairing my relationship with my daughters. It helps that most of what I suffer from has a genetic component so and my daughter's have to deal with a lot of it too. We have now started a weekly video call with all of us and that is helping a lot. You can make it better but I think, like with alcoholism, you have to hit bottom and realize just how fucked up you are. Then, with help, you can start to rebuild your life. One other suggestion, look into the Myers Briggs personality types. I an a hard core INTJ with IN being primary traits. What I realized once I started trying to learn about INTJs, is how close the dianosis criteria for AvPD parallel the characteristics of INTJ. That helped me to separate out some of my behaviors as not coming from ADHD or AvPD but from my INTJ personality type. They were normal for me and I could separate them from the AvPD and ADHD and deal with them separately. I also think that a regular discussion group of people like us would help us to support each other and learn from other's experiences. I just do not know how to start such a group.

Today is the first day I'm learning that you exist, and I already admire you so much for your honesty and vulnerability here. What an incredibly hard thing to do - to be so truthful about your pain and frustration with a bunch of strangers on the internet, and more significantly, with yourself. You're right, a lot of people (myself included) relate to the overwhelming fear and pain that comes with feeling your emotions head on, and to using weed and social media to keep it numb. I had a similar realization to what you're talking about in this video a little over a year ago, and I've been trying so hard since then to be present with my uncomfortable feelings in the moment. It's really hard, but I can see myself getting better at it and I can see my life and my relationships getting better as I do, and I know you'll get better at it too! Rooting for you, you're on the right path ❤ One thing that really helped me was starting to make art about my feelings - I like abstracts paintings, but it could be anything. Somehow, putting them down on paper made them easier to understand and easier to sit with.

This is so validating in so many ways. I have similar experiences and I'm glad to stumble across your video and vulnerability.

Major props for the self awareness and I am rooting for you

I've been watching your new uploads out of order over the past couple of weeks, but I wanted to thank you for having the courage to put your story out there like this, it's been an instrumental tool in my own journey. I remember being really sad when I noticed you had privated your videos, and it's been really nice to see you back on here. I found your video about AvPD back in 2022, and I was blown away when I realized I wasn't alone. It was the wake-up call I needed to finally research neurodivergence to the point where I've realized that ADHD and Autism are very likely possibilities for me, even if diagnosis isn't accessible. This video was much the same, it's always shocking to hear about experiences that are so similar to our own. Weed addiction has become such a feedback loop for me: I smoke to numb my feelings, and over time my ability to tolerate my own emotions has eroded so much that I could hardly stand to not be high, so I smoke to ease THAT anxiety. I think the same is true for my complete reliance on noise, YouTube videos, and video games (ANYTHING to drown out my uncomfortable thoughts/emotions.) I had another wake-up call this week when I decided to take a "small" hit of weed a few hours before a job interview to help calm my nerves, only to realize that my eyes were noticeably red/bloodshot. I spent the entire time before/during/after worrying about whether my interviewers noticed. They never said anything, but I didn't get the job (unsurprisingly.) As soon as I got home from the interview, I threw all of my weed in the trash. I know it's going to be hard as hell to quit, but I think you're right in that setting intentions and being mindful of decisions you're making to change your life can make all the difference. That, and learning to acknowledge how self-defeating shaming myself can be. From one attempting quitter to another, I'm wishing you all the best in your journey.

Dankjewel weer voor je kwetsbaarheid, ik vind het knap en inspirerend dat je hier zo open over bent! Ik heb jaren geleden een soortgelijke periode meegemaakt, ik herken vooral de zenuwen bij thuiskomst van mijn partner, het zelfbeeld en de uitzichtloosheid. Wat mij heeft geholpen is mijn passie ontdekken, doelen in kleinere stukjes verdelen en creatief bezig zijn😊 Ik hoop dat je iets kan vinden wat je kracht aanwakkert om het tij te keren zodat je weer gevoelens van plezier en geluk mag gaan ervaren! heel veel sterkte en succes! You can do it🍀

making a youtube video and even multiple videos is a huge achievement- most people who would think of making one never would so you have broken this barrier and you can break more

Thank you so much for making these videos, they help me to not feel so alone. I relate to almost everything you talk about. One thing that has begun to help me break the "groundhog day" cycle is to make sure I get out of the house everyday or at least every other day. I do my hair/makeup and pick out a nice outfit. Even if it's just to go to the grocery store or take a walk, I think it gives me more confidence and helps me to feel a bit more productive for the rest of my day. I still hold out hope that things will change for me and I look forward to your future videos 🙂

Well done for taking the first step. You inspire me to do the same. I use food and social media as my main distractions. Im always trying to strategise my way out of bad habits, but the other day I came up with something that was so simple but helped hugely (well, for a couple of days at least!). I told myself “it doesn’t matter what you do all day, so long as you don’t scroll”. That seemed to simplify everything and suddenly my world opened back up. By not telling myself what I ‘should’ be doing or ‘have to’ do, and instead just ‘not doing’ one thing that I already hate doing, felt so much better. That said, I scrolled a lot today. But after watching your video I’m inspired to have another ‘day off scrolling’ tomorrow! A day at a time, right?

So glad I came across this video. It takes a lot of bravery to share the side of you you're not very proud of and are trying to fix. I've always had an issue with porn addiction since I was little. Luckily I'm holding a job that keeps me away from my phone and the internet for the most part, but if it wasn't for that I'd be the most isolated person to ever isolate. For some reason weed has the opposite effect on me and tends to heighten my anxiety so luckily I have one less substance to worry about getting addicted to lol.

32, ADHD and a bunch of other stuff. I’ll probably take a lot of time to write my full length comment, if I even get around to it, so here’s a placeholder heart in the mean time. Thank you for sharing, it makes a difference ❤️

Your courage in making these videos is a true strength. I hope feedback is validating and fortifying for you, that it may contribute to you gaining confidence and fuel your healing as well. I feel the shame around not being ‘productive’ every day. please know that you are just as beautiful and capable as a human being regardless of how productive you are during the day. I’m proud of you for striving for a more fulfilling life, though. I’m rooting for you and gaining courage through you. Thank you