Recreating the Last Meal of Ötzi the Iceman

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RIP Ötzi, you would have loved Cracker Barrel

I find it funny how a lot of ancient kings were obsessed with legacy, only to be completely lost to history. And then there's Ötzi some random guy who will be remembered forever.

Bandit or Saint, Otzi was strong as hell. Imagine living with those types of medical conditions but still climbing 6000ft of elevation in a day.

Dude’s a badass. Covered in tats and bear skin that he probably hunted himself, super valuable copper axe, body chock full of disease but the only thing that could stop him was an arrow in the back.

They killed Ötzi for his swag. His shoes were too fresh, his coat too fly, his medicines supreme.

How have they not found his killer yet? #justiceForÖtzi

The archaeology of Ötzi is incredible but it's also insane to think that, ten millennia from now, some hikers could find my body and write, "At the time he died, he had a papercut and was mildly sleep-deprived. He was carrying a phone and a wallet typical of 21st-century North America, as well as a gum wrapper he hadn't thrown away yet and a cool rock he found. His stomach contained an entire pint of ice cream."

Blood samples from 4 different individuals were found on his clothes. His recently broken ribs are just starting to heal. a serious wound on his head and a deep cut to the bone on his hand. The arrow on your shoulder is the final point. My friend, this man fought with a group and managed to survive. This group is a minimum of 4 people. Ötzi managed to wound all four of them. He also managed to escape. They are definitely following him. The reason why Ötzi went to the impossible nature is to escape these people. They approached him in a heavy blizzard. They shot him with an arrow, but Ötzi managed to escape again. The fact that the valuable equipment he had with him was not taken is proof that he survived. He survived those people, but died from blood loss shortly after. We will not know whether Ötzi was guilty or a victim.

Hi, archaeologist here! Just wanted too share the fact that we actually determined where Ötzi might have come from. Based on oxygen isotope analysis conducted on Ötzi's teeth, we actually discovered that Ötzi grew up in the Eisack Valley watershed, and spent most of his time as an adult in the mountains of Vinschgau. Ötzi's history is super fascinating! (Bonus fact; microscopic traces on Ötzi's coat indicated that he spent a lot of time around copper, indicating that he may have been a copper smith! So his axe may have been something he actually created!)

I'm so grateful Otzi was found in the 90s and not in the Victorian era. Who knows what wild fate would have happened to him.

So what I’m hearing is he was dripped out, iced out, had hella loot, full tummy, and was generally a badass

*A few thousand years from now, on cooking history:* "Today we are making twenty first century 'pancakes'. Now, we don't exactly know how they would have heated this, so I'm going to set my remoleculamizer to 10 kiloflirps, which is probably close to what they would have done. I have also seasoned the cake with meatpowder since I don't have real bacon and I'm not sure how one would safely prepare real meat anyways"

Here's Max looking sprightly in his 40's, and here I am about to enter my 40's, looking like Otzi...

You claim that the ice man didn't have a weber kettle grill but they just didn't find one with his body, and it would perfectly explain the rest of his possessions being left alone if his attackers were too occupied with carrying away his weber kettle grill.

If only Otzi had Hello Fresh 😞

Otzi probably pulled the Arrow out himself before he fell down the ravine. If his killer had pulled out the Arrow then he would have surely looted his corpse, especially that nice copper axe.

Max missed a golden opportunity. If Ötzi was traveling or on a multi-day hunting trip, the einkorn was probably a prehistoric hardtack.

I don't think you can definitively say that Ötzi didn't have a Weber grill, just that he didn't have it with him when he died

I don''t know if you'll read this comment, but that injury on his hand is very common when people stab something with a knife that doesn't have a handguard. Blood is slippery and when you hit something solid like a bone, suddenly your hand keeps moving forward but the knife stops. He could have gotten that killing one of the animals or fighting a person. Source: I'm a crime scene investigator and you see that all the time at stabbing scenes.