I had an existential crisis.

I was taught that all religions are looking at the same thing, and I recently converted to the Catholic faith, which is sort of reversing the family teaching of universalism for a more orthodox way. So, the opposite of you in a way. Christianity always seemed off to me, but what I have found in the Catholic faith is so ancient and beautiful. I think what is important is intentionality and consciously choosing our faith, or lack of it, not as a way to defy parents (something I have allowed to guide me at times), or for some other reason, but as an active choice.

Life is a series of journeys, and with each journey, we change, we grow. This is my first time here:hand-pink-waving: Thanks for sharing your intimate thoughts Darcy!

Darcy, thank you for sharing!!!🎉

This was such a needed conversation and so beautifully presented 🧡. Thank you Darcie for giving a lot of our own personal thoughts and questions a voice and safe space to be engaged with. I felt less alone after this video and feel encouraged to continue exploring spirituality for myself and in community.

I've never, ever in my life heard someone speak so much without actually saying anything.

What a pleasant video. The title intrigued me, as I've been long captured by existential though, and I'm sitting here, nigh 2:30 ante meridiem, wanting to write about this interest of mine. I like the way you present all of this, it's really comfy, and your incitements to engage are nice, so here I am. I'm not used to expressing myself publicly, although it's but a comment section, and I'm not a native speaker so excuse some idiosyncracies. I concur with your 'thesis' statement in the beginning, that you just want to share your journey and not prescribe beliefs to people, 'cuz really that's all I've ever wanted to do, and here you created a nice space to do just so. I too come from a Christian background, though far from the States, and have been exploring life for some time, however I have arrived at a much more cynical outlook, atheist I'd call it, and even though I don't enjoy barging into here with such different beliefs, or lack thereof, I still think there is some merit to sharing. Made a few notes, but I may have missed some things, I'm getting real tired. Coincidentally, I've very recently had a discussion about beliefs and the existential with a group of friends, so it's great to the same appear on my recommended tab. What surprised me was how... well everyone but me believed in some higher power, some form of spirituality, I guess, and wouldn't you know it, this same sentiment is present here. I hope I won't appear dismissive, because I subconsciously connect my atheist beliefs with insipid and not very nice reactions to religion, and because I really don't wish to break the openness of the few interactions I've seen here. Before delving into my beliefs I think some background would be quite fitting. So I come from the middle of Europe, from a smaller slavic state with the name of Slovakia. I was brought up Christian, though not really inside of a community and my dad is an atheist, so only my mom brought any initiative, even that wasn't with much ferver, and I was quite free to wonder with my thoughts. My prayers mostly resemble what you mentioned in the vid, attempts at conversation manifesting in pleading monologue, going to church always seemed boring, and the stories and lessons were repetitive. I guess I am too wary of various social interactions because of my avoidant attachment, and maybe som more underlying issues, but I never felt much of a connection with the people there, though that could very much be a regional thing, and we just don't do religion very well here. Instead of existing in a Christian bubble, the world seemed more self-contradictory, paradoxical, on one side Christianity, on the other a bunch of school subjects. I'm reducing religion here a lot, yes there's so much more to it than some factoids, the community, spirituality or the sense of connection (maybe there's a term for that) to God, morality, and whatnot... but I could never entirely escape the feeling that something isn't quite right. What set off my journey was very tumultuous, so first I'd like to say: what a treat it would be to explore these questions within a loving community and spread out over time, passively learning. Instead... no way to sugarcoat it, I met with the death of my grandma when I was 12... which let me down a spiral of many many doubts and questions and a bout of depression, don't recommend 0/10. What I find interesting is that in your journey, you say you set aside the aspect of heaven and hell. Your comment on the fear of loss was very relatable, but unfortunately for me, at that point I didn't really have a choice to prolong my 'ignorance', I had to confront what heaven means. And that was, for my faith, the breaking point. Took a while to digest, specially for my child brain, and that feeling of getting a rug pulled from under you was everpresent, again, wouldn't recommend. I cannot ignore all other aspects of my approach ti religion then - I did rely a lot on wanting help from God, I was incredibly insecure, I did doubt a little the many stories told by the religion, I was examining the many religious folk, teachers mostly, and what they say, how I feel about that, - a whole cluster of slowly decommissioning parts of my Christianity. Nevertheless, it was heaven clashing with existential dread which ultimately turned me away. I don't know if I should explore this in my comment, as really what is central to your journey is spirituality, the connection to something greater, and not... utter doubts... still, to me this was unavoidable, to be met with such a conundrum made it impossible to ignore any inconsistencies. Damn I sound pedantic. I couldn't stand not knowing for sure, it ate me from within. I don't remember how exactly I got where I got, I only remember the nightly dimness and a lot of tears, and then my beliefs. I arrived at a conclusion, the most cynical there can be, that I cannot know whether heaven exists, and such need to work with two options and make a choice: either it does or it doesn't. If it does, good, I think, if it doesn't though... we have a problem, cuz there... well... Christianity sort of breaks if it doesn't exist. At least in my head it does. If I... understand it properly, Christianity promises eternal salvation for devotion and good behaviour while on Earth. I know the sentiment that one should ignore some of their needs is very medieval, but I did consider the God's opinion before acting most of the time, and I did tread carefully my opinions and worldview in accordance to my beliefs, which was... to some degree limiting. But met with the option that perhaps it is all for naught I couldn't just stop there... I had to get to the bottom of that thought. So I... made a final... postulation - it is possible that there is no heaven and thus all christian virtues lead to nothing, and implying that my earthly life is the only period of consciousness I will ever experience, so... I should... maybe start moving away from religion, and see life as important in and of itself. That's a lotta text... not done yet, pardon. To me this existential crisis was truly existential, not just a revisiting of my beliefs but their complete destruction in face of the absurd notion of nothingness. I spent a lot of thought on this, mostly alone, before ever consulting a book or the breadths of internet, which I find a little empowering - to have created a cohesive sense of reality, my own philosophy. It's always so weird trying to discuss any of this, as there is so much to talk about before even getting to the meaty parts of what I want to say, and it always brings some vestigial bad taste in my mouth, reminiscent of those many reoccurring crises. If you have read this far, and have any questions about my beliefs, as this was... very... vague, and only introductory, feel free to ask. I know it's probably overwhelming at this point, but hey, I'd also like to discuss these things, am relatively passionate about this. Continuing I have one thing I have to talk about, from my perspective: the connection to something spiritual. In the video you spent some time talking about it, and I really enjoy the perspective of connecting through art, very interesting. I have to assent that being in nature is incredible, there is some sense of peace and belonging that is hard to put into words. But I cannot fathom that these feelings are that of... a connection to someone or something. I mean... I get it... but to me it's but a... normal? emotion. Normal in the sense that it is indeed human, by design, and exists naturally, how else, still - it is a great amount... profound. I think that's the best way to put it - profound, all these moments of connection to you, and reminders of the existential human condition to me are profound in their nature. I couldn't ascribe these feelings a semblance of connection as I've explored them from a completely different lens, but I think think I'm experiencing something similar when I go through it. Oh there's so much more to talk about, but it's too late, and I'm lost in thought. I'd love to talk more, I hope that my different perspective will fit, though I'm aware I sometimes struggle to write all that well, excuse my egregious amount of words, and I hope my poor insight and shared journey were captivating enough to justify reading. Have a nice rest of your day!

I would love to hear about everyone else's journeys!

Thank you so much for sharing. I grew up in evangelicalism myself, a very fundamentalist strain. I have left Christianity but discovered God (for lack of a better word). Mysticism is a means of knowing rather than believing. There are ways to know by direct experience. If your heart longs for truth and the true God, you will seek and you will find. Thank you for being so open and real. It takes courage.