How healthy people regulate their emotions

End the relationship with the narcissist and cry once, is better than being with them and crying everyday.

She is like the healthy mom we never got, because well, our moms were narcissists. 😅

A narcissist paints a picture of themselves as being the victim or innocent in all aspects. They will be offended by the truth.

Love doesn’t die a natural death. Love has to be killed, either by neglect or narcissism.

“You don’t shove your emotion down someone else’s throat…” That’s such a big statement for me to process, and it feels so good to hear.

2:35 identification, articulation 3:30 ownership 3:55 expression 4:18 reading the room 4:48 techniques 5:17 both sides 6:00 no expression is not regulation -> identification, expression, self-aware empathic feeling

Being a good person doesn't get you loved, it gets you used by the narcissist.

"Three deep breaths could change the world". The world really needs this.

I was raised by narcs and you are so correct, they make you believe their rage and violence is normal. I am by nature, sweet and peaceful. I have always deeply loved animals and for some strange reason ( given my family of origins), had the gift of empathy. Needless to say, I was rejected and ridiculed. At 57 I went no contact with my family and I have been doing pretty good. It’s been difficult in some ways. They are, after all, family and it still hurts that I disappeared from their lives with barely a murmur from them. However, liberating, because I am learning everything you mentioned in this episode that sadly should have been taught to me as a child. Self regulation was fairly easy, when I finally created space for myself. They do not like seeing others in control of themselves. 57 years of how awful and incompetent I am, replaced with best friend self talk - Hey, you’ve got this and you’re going to be just fine. Do you know no one ever said that to me in my entire life? Thanks for all you do Dr. Ramani. I saw your powerful TED talk 5 years ago and it started me on a revolution.

Maturity is when you realize the silent treatment is actually the best part of a Narcissistic relationship. A small moment of peace in an otherwise turbulent situation. But don't enjoy it too much. Once the Narc realizes you are enjoying their silence, they will switch their strategy and find another way to abuse you.

A narcissist doesn't like it when you regulate your emotions. In fact, I'm convinced they thrive on chaos and conflict. In my experience things can be perfectly fine and they will erupt without warning, looking for and creating problems that didn't exist. They can't handle leaving you alone with your own thoughts, however innocuous those thoughts may be. If they're convinced you have the slightest thing on your mind they will push you to tell them your every thought and take you from perfectly fine to gradually starting to feel anger build within you. They make it extremely hard to stay regulated. More than once I've found myself trying to explain for no apparent reason that everything is fine, only to be called names and to have my narcissist demand to know what my problem is. This happens regularly on long drives where they've been sleeping and I've been doing the driving in silence. It's almost like if you don't immediately express joy at their awakening from their slumber and celebrate it, you're the one with a problem. It's very odd behavior on their part. I used to think they might be crazy but more and more I'm starting to believe it's a symptom of narcissism. They project anything and everything they think, feel or do onto you. There's no other explanation I can think of because many times I've found myself in the position of having to defend my own truth to the point of complete exasperation, where I actually start to feel dysregulated and will snap back at them, which doesn't help. I have gone from truthfully answering that there isn't a problem to give me a minute to make one up to satisfy you. Over time I've come to realize that harms me the most. They have a way of getting under your skin and really turning your entire day upside down. If you can get out of a narcissistic relationship, please do. ASAP.

I think that's why I thought for so long, that I was a narc too. Growing up with narc parents that never taught me how to regulate myself emotionally, has been one of the worst disabilities I had to break through. I am still learning. As long as I use my energy wisely, I am great. If I over do it, if I offer to help in too many things, if I do after office gatherings, if I have to be in charge of a public situation for too long... I will be in danger of becoming an a****le 😢 The worst part is the "rumination hangover" 😓 after a public display of disregulation. My advice for anyone who feels the same, is: Learn to identify your energy levels. Learn how to increase it, and what makes it drop. Use your energy wisely 🙌. As I get older, I need more alone time to recover. But a single positive short interaction is equivalent to a 3 hour nap 😅

In 'LIE TO ME' starring Tim Roth, he takes on an employee whom he observes at an airport being hyper vigilant when approached in the security queue - he notes how she pays particular attention to his behavioural traits and 'micro-expressions', and surmises that she grew up in an abusive home, where she was constantly scanning the facial expressions/behaviour of parental figures to see early warning signs of rage and abuse. I found this a striking observation about human behaviour.

Me clicking this so I can learn how you’re suppose to function properly 😂

My sister and I used to call ourselves 'performing seals' for Mom's pals. At 70, I'm just starting a healing journey.

Holy Crap. I didn't even think to figure that out. My childhood was full of yelling, invalidation, drama and violence. Thank you for explaining what healthy looks like. I've never been told this information ever! I was a psychology major.

I remember once people being amazed with me that I was not upset when someone hit my car while it was parked. I was already so upset with other things, I couldn’t get more upset. For once, I felt like an emotional goddess after years of being told my emotions were inappropriate.

OMG! My parents are narcs. I can’t take being yelled at. At ALL. I shut down or burst into tears.

I love that you pointed out that being stoic isn’t the measuring stick for a healthy, emotionally regulated person. Most of my life, I’ve felt that my big emotions were an issue. Now, I’m slowly realizing that while I need to work on my regulation of those feelings, having feelings or needing to express them isn’t the problem. Thank you thank you for saying this!

I worked in the court system many years ago. The judges would scream pretty regularly at just about everyone. You literally had to walk on eggshells around them. And the screaming was going on while in open court. If they asked you a question, you had better know the answer and not attempt to flip pages in your folder. Not kidding. Obviously, you could not talk back to the judges, even if they were screaming at you. Or you'd be held in contempt...and probably lose your job as well. We were, in essence, being trained to hold in emotions and allow someone to verbally abuse us. We were told not to take it personal. It was demeaning and humiliating. I think this can set up certain people to not be able to recognize abuse and stay and tolerate it when it would be healthier to just leave. Great discussion, Dr. Ramani! ♥