double binds | narcissistic ‘no-win’ mind games [cc]

Exquisite presentation and content as always. Your point at the end about victims of narcissists having support on the internet also has a flip side. So-called social media predictably enough has fomented a lot of very self-absorbed people. I wonder how many become full-blown, game-playing narcissists. Given the growing infantilisation of people, and "reality" shows essentially pushing the admiration and mimicry of the self-absorbed tantrum-throwing rejects such shows attract (as if they were somehow "role models"), I suspect that the two effects (not growing up + self-absorption) combined would have a higher outcome of full-blown narcissistic behaviour than either one in isolation. Picking up on your points about religious groups, this also seems to have fed into new dogmatism of the "progressives" and their witch-hunt mentality. Identify the "witch", and demand an apology for their alleged behaviour or thought crime. Any apology is simply a confession for which there is punishment (unless you are Justin Trudeau it seems). Fail to apologise and you're still guilty merely by the allegation. Due process be damned. That said, since there is nothing to be gained by apologising to the inquisition, not apologising still seems to give the better outcome from what I can make out.

Double bind: Mom gets mad when I celebrate her birthday - says she doesn't want to be reminded of getting old. Next year: Mom gets mad because I ignored her birthday.

"A strange game. The only winning move is not to play."

Me: “no matter what path I choose, no matter what I do, I can’t win.” Her: “Why does everything have to be about winning with you?”

This should be taught in school. Seriously. How many of us go through life struggling to appease a narcissist, unaware of the futility of being trapped in a game we cannot win?

"you are in denial" "I am not in denial." "Only someone in denial would say that" "Are you in denial?"

when a man with terminal cancer calls you "very sick"

"Don't argue or show emotion" This scared the crap out of me. These are literally the exact two things I have figured out by myself long before seeing this video, just from communicating with my parents. I have learned that arguing and showing emotion is suicide, and my strategy since realizing this has been to basically succumb to their personalities until I can escape the house and support myself.

The sad part is that even if you refuse to follow their game, you still spent a great deal of time and effort planning how not to fall, how to respond, how to deflect. So in the end is like they always win, because your life still, in a way, revolves around them.

“I watched her holding onto that donut for ages, waiting to be found.” There’s something uniquely pathetic about narcissists.

Parents: I want you to talk with me more. Share your thought and interests. Also parents: that’s pointless and stupid. Why are you wasting your time and money. And parents wonder why their kids don’t call them.

Your story with your mother reminded me horrifically of my own story with a malignant Narcissist. My sister was the Narcissist in my story, always hurling abuse and mistreatment at everyone around her. She used to project it on my brother and I, until my brother moved out and I started standing up for myself. It got to the point where we were standing face to face screaming at one another but she would "back down" and usually go on a wild tantrum, throwing food and furniture around the house, if she failed to win an argument. It felt good to stand up to her... until I realized that the abuse was just redirected to my widowed father and my grandparents. The things I heard her say and do to them, gutted me. When my father was in the hospital, she would call him and berate him until he broke down sobbing, saying things like "I wish you had died and not mom". She put my grandparents through immense stress by calling them after driving into bad neighborhoods in Detroit, claiming she was in danger and her car broke down so we would have to come and get her. As my father was dying from coronary heart disease, she stole money out of his bank account, and after he passed, she stole a car that technically belonged to me(I paid for it after dad's car was totaled after a fire). The most frustrating part is she'll have her episodes, then go on pretending nothing ever happened. She'll switch right back to the pleasant sister act. It was terrifying. It was like living next to a walking minefield. Truthfully, I haven't recovered from her, and I'm not even at a point in my life where I want to successfully get away from her. Our family is still desperately trying to remain connected and not exclude anyone, and if I were to push her away completely, it would cause ripples for the rest of my family. I missed out on being able to finish college because of her, I lost money trying to help my dad escape her abuse several times, and all for nothing. It all left me broke and feeling completely destitute and hopeless in my 20s and I have yet to recover. There are times where I wish that, when she threatened suicide in her Narcissist fits, I wish she would have done it. I would have celebrated being free from her wrath. I even told my friends this, that if she does die suddenly, I wanted to go to a friend's house to celebrate.

Like the chocolate example, my mother would do that to me when I "let her sleep in". From ages 8 to 14 when I tried to wake her she would say something like "I am getting up" or "I am resting my eyes a minute" and then get mad if I asked her to get up again. Then after she slept in, she'd get mad that I "let her" sleep in. Or if somehow she did manage to wake up (never on the first ask), "why didn't you wake me up sooner?" My whole life was filled with double binds like this. Then when my parents got divorced and we were all the bargaining chips, it became impossible to make one parent happy without upsetting the other.

People need to learn two things. 1. People don't change without a massive amount of effort done only by themselves 2. Learn to walk away from people.

The story of your father's painful death brought me to tears. It's clear why you have such a passion for uprooting manipulative, abusive behavior. I'm glad you use your skills to educate and encourage others to cease and avoid abuse. The world would be a much better place if everyone knew about your channel.

Mom used to hold my funeral when I was in the next room and she’d deliberately pitch her voice so that she knew that I heard her . I was 9 . I soon learned to sneak out of the back door when she was spouting off . Her funeral planning upset me considerably but by sneaking out I prevented her from enjoying her abuse. She only kept it up for about 3 weeks. Everyone wondered why I don’t miss her after she died. Pretending to be a good parent is not being a good parent.

"Displays of unshakable conviction don't require the possession of truth" - that hits home

Don't speak when you talk to me

One of the worst things a child can be born into is having an evil narcissistic mother and an useless enabling father for parents. The stepping stones to never trusting anyone as an adult.

Working as a nurse seemed to be a constant double bind. It seemed like no matter what you were screwed. Here is one example: So I worked in a psych ward. I constantly was told by shift managers and such that I was too nice to the patients and acted like their friend. But there was another person I worked with who got the opposite : you are too mean and too strict. I got really upset one day and pointed this out and they told me you can find a middle ground. But you cant. At the same time I was told I looked like I didnt work on my work "look" and the other nurse was told "work isnt a beauty pagent" I QUIT