Stop Trying to be ‘Normal’ – Are you masking? What’s the best strategy?

I finally realized that everybody thinks I'm weird no matter what I do so I may as well be myself and give them the chance to like me

I appreciate this more positive spin on masking because for some of us, it’s not a form of hiding who are are, it’s more like a survival strategy.

I don’t like acting normal but it just happens around other people. No matter how much I tell myself I’m going to just be myself, the mask snaps on, I can even pinpoint afterwards when it happens, and suddenly I am driven entirely by the awareness of the expectations of the people I am with and am hyper vigilant to try and meet those expectations. And when it’s happening I can’t think of another way to exist, it’s just what I need to do to survive, minimize my presence and avoid demands by being exactly who they expect you to be, and it’s reinforced with rejection every time I get too tired to maintain it and my real thoughts slip out, or my real body language or reaction or whatever the case may be, I’m met with “go away, come back when you can be normal”. Then when I am by myself my thoughts clear, I wonder why I can’t think so clearly, why my thoughts get jumbled and I lose myself to an act I am desperate to avoid, why I can express myself so well up until the moment I am being perceived.

I always told people: I am trying my whole life to be normal. But I didn’t succeed. Now that I have my autism diagnosis since 6 month, as a 47 year old woman, my comment on wanting to be normal and your video here, makes so much more sense. Thank you for this. Happy with my diagnosis autism because it explains a whole lot of things in my past and current behavior.

I stopped masking at about 30 - but I didn’t even know it was “masking” because I didn’t get diagnosed until 38. I just got tired of faking it.

Just received my official diagnosis today, time to unmask!

Reminds me how doctor visits would go when i was younger vs now ... Younger me would be thinking like Oh god what he/she will want from me? What he/she will be asking me? Will he/she like my anwers? Current me: lets make a bullet points what i want from the doctor and what i want to ask about and think how to ask about that the best. Helps me to get done what i want to have done and i dont care if some doctor considers it odd :) . They are providing a service to ME. For complicated issue i would bring a paper with summary of relevant facts as i see them. Helps a lot.

As a visibly disabled person I don't have the choice of looking "normal" or to blended in. Therefore I feel that I should be proud and confident in my difference and make that choice.

I've been called all sorts of names, I've been told I'm strange, weird, too direct, goofy, loner, dumb and the list goes on.. I've become so use to people calling me that now.. I don't even bother to change the way I am anymore. I like things to be organized, I rather be up front & honest than two-faced, I'm slow and struggle with learning new things but I'm hardworking and I don't give up. Most people like to follow the crowd, I beat to my own drum alone. Autistic & Proud!

The thing is I find that if I sit by myself at a social gathering that people see that as anti-social and tend to just leave me there and I'm left with nobody to connect with and just end up leaving the situation and going home.

I spent 45 years masking and attempting to hide in plain sight. Don’t speak unless spoken too…. Don’t share anything because you will be attacked. After my diagnosis I’m still masked up because no one understands. My fiancée has been amazing. I can be myself around her and she just jumps in and laughs with me, acts a fool and is for the most part is interested in the same things. I’m so fortunate to have found her.

My favorite quote working through all this is, “society views an uncategorized man like an unmuzzled dog, not under proper control.” (I’m sorry I don’t remember where I read it.) To me it hit home because people have a hard time labeling ND people with a category. We usually fit into many in different ways. That can make people uncomfortable. But I see that as society’s problem. Not ours. We each make our own categories. The Beautiful Mind categories. :) Cheers

I relate to the strategy of "Not attracting any attention at all". I tend to not go out and about much, so that I don't have to worry about masking. I visit my best friend once every 1-2 weeks, visit family once in a while, and I go out for work, and when I run errands. But whenever I have time to myself, I avoid having to go out in public, because I socialize and try to blend in plenty enough already.

I have a high IQ and didn't know I was Autistic. I just knew that most people didn't like me. So I learned lots of ways to hide myself. And it worked rather well. Until I got cancer that gave me an abundance of brain damage. That slowed me way down, that as an ADHD person, was sort of like a kind of vacation. However, that same brain damage also washed away what I now, at 60 years old, find out was called masking. And I've worked like crazy to fix all the damage and get back up to speed. So now my brain is running pretty much at full speed again. Except all the masking is still gone. So at 60, I am now stuck with the social skills of my 8 year old self. Loads of fun. For instance, a number of noises and behaviors of other humans bothers me. Today I went to go eat at a restaurant. I went to the most remote, dark, quiet table in the entire building. The server was obviously annoyed that I did that. The a large party of loud people came in and the server sat them all, in a mostly empty room. . . RIGHT fucking next to me. And they were so loud that it was painful and I couldn't even hear my own wife speaking to me from 2 feet away. So I asked to just have my food wrapped up to go. I didn't complain. I didn't ask anyone to accommodate my needs. I just gave up and went to leave. Instead of wrapping my order to go, the server told me to follow her and she put me in a different room. About 3 feet from the same exact people. Except now there were some broken stained glass windows between us. All the same noises were still there. So I asked again to wrap my food before it came to the table. At that point, my lifetime as an overly liberal, dirty hippy, who has been beaten by the police numerous times because of nothing more than my looks, and even though Nazis destroyed my family, and the KKK has shown up with guns in my driveway twice. . . NOW because SOME of the loud people I tried to remove myself from were BLACK. . . the management decided that now, my bald head makes me just another old white guy racist. Cuz I guess I don't LOOK Autistic enough. The best way for me to deal with other people, is avoid the fuck outta them.

Loved your quote at the end - it made so much sense. 2 years ago at age 71 I realized I'm autistic and my life started falling into place. I was brought up to be conventional in a strict Era. In my 20's I got into spiritual and self exploration as well as theater so I was around people who were 'different, and I fit in more than I ever had. But after college I got an office job which just about killed my spirit. Everyone knew I was different and they didn't like it. I had a few work friends and one deep relationship with someone I now see was probably on the spectrum too. But at work I was either keeping to myself or trying to fit in, but I had lost most of the self confidence I had in my 20's and 30's. Now I'm retired and disabled, and since covid I hardly go out or see others. Sometimes I'd like to be more social, but I can't say I'm lonely, since now I get to pursue my own interests. I wish that I had known I wasn't broken or weird many years ago, and that I had had resources like yours to help me understand more about myself. Your videos have helped me learn so much!

Being oneself is impossible when one doesn't know who one is. Great video, Paul.

I don't know what "normal" is? But whatever it is, it's been made clear to me on many occasions; that I'm not "it". But that's all good, I'd much rather be my kooky individual self. At least the real friends that I have, accept me for who I am; and love me for it.

I camouflage because socializing is just so uncomfortable. I keep misunderstanding things or just simply not hearing what someone said and having to ask "What? Can you repeat that?" or I just say "Oh" and nod and smile having no clue what they said or what they meant because I am so ignorant.

I avoid social situations at all times, if I can. There are exceptions. Family already know who I am and are used to my eccentricities. But in a group of, say, my wife's friends, I am well aware that the probability is that nobody present will be interested in anything I have to say on any given subject, and frankly, I have little interest in the subjects that they are discussing. That being the case, I spend the evening with my mouth closed, politely smiling and nodding. I don't know if what I feel could qualify as lonely. Certainly it would be nice to have someone to have a good conversation with, but again, the likelihood of that happening is very slim. And in my experience, loneliness, or what I assume to be loneliness, is an emotion easily discarded.

This was enlightening to watch. I've been trying to teach myself to be more accepting of myself, but it's been hard because I've had people tell me I can be annoying, and I don't want to annoy people either. I never considered that I could accept myself and still blend in as well.