How to Reason with a Narcissist | Can they be Persuaded?

Reasoning with a narcissist is like trying to nail jello to a wall.

I thought this was excellent. I mimic this to the way we use words carefully with children. Narcissists are emotionally stunted adults.

If there is the option of avoiding the Narc I would take that route. They are not worth the hassle to be honest.

My step dad is a narcissist and it's SO hard to talk to him about anything because he will twist my words into a criticism against him. He thinks even benign comments are "disrespectful". It takes a tremendous amount of foresight and maturity to swallow your feelings, humble yourself, and negotiate with a toddler holding a bomb.

Make them think it was their idea.

Before I was informed, I would try to convince my MIL that I was lovable by “killing her with kindness “(for 25 years!). When she was cruel, and I would pull away, she would then shower me with gifts. I thought this was her way to apologize, thus I would open myself up again for more of her manipulative games. She played my young, kind, open-hearted, forgiving, self like a fiddle. She was able to hurt me so deeply, but no more. I clearly see now that I played a role in her abuse of me by trying way too hard to be accepted. I smartened up when she began to abuse our daughter. We have had 5 years of low contact and the flying monkeys still swarm. I am so happy that my marriage has survived. I am not hateful. In fact, I am so thankful for the wisdom I have gained. I do not really think one can reason with a deep narc. The trick to surviving is to find a way to move PAST the anger of the great injustice. You, Dr Grande, are helping so many who suffer. Your work is extremely valuable. Thank you from my heart!

LOL! "The non-narcissist might be repulsed if you say, 'Hey, go up to that narcissist and say something great about them'" LOL! You are totally the type of person I would have befriended in school days and would have held you dear for your seriousness and charm. You're very intelligent and also very endearing Dr. Grande. Thank you for all you do for us!!

Yes play along with their false reality..and agree with their lies..take abuse lying down..let them violate your boundries and destroy your soul. OR...move very far away.

NPD runs in my family, i believe. There is no actual diagnoses but my father was very grandiose, egotystical, and abusive. He gaslighted me for years, calling himself the "king of the house" and only showing us affection when we would meet his standards. My mother on the other hand is codependant, and isnt assertive at all. I love her so much, but she spoiled us children growing up.. basically, growing up my siblings constantly got told we were simultaneously perfect just the way we are, and worthless/stupid/fat/selfish... I was, and have always been, the problematic kid but ive always believed I was special for no reason...i'm self destructive, artsy, kind of a drama queen and I have more of an attatchment to my mother... i was diagnosed with bpd, but I honestly dont see it. However, vunerable narcassism fits like a freaking glove. I don't know, i'll talk to proffessional and try to be vunerable. Thank you for pointing me in the right direction!

Whatever you would like them to do, simply ask for the opposite of that.

well, i think they don’t change, actually i think they get worst as they age....

I'll share this, I'm also speaking out of experience. If you try the positive route, complementing the narcissist on something they don't actually do well, and you ask them what their secret is, they're going to see you as less capable than them. This leads to getting loads of unsolicited advice by them to the point of also receiving a percentage of bad advice. When you do something differently than they advised you on, they're going to lash out in anger and eventually start devaluing you if they haven't already.

I have read many of the comments and many are on the money. My experience of people who are highly narcissistic (diagnosed or not): do not cross them because they will hurt you. They will tie you up on knots. You really have to know what it feels like to be in a relationship with a narcissist who is at the high end of the spectrum, especially if they are a close relative. I've walked away because the individual concerned doesn't think there's anything wrong with them and really you can't win (not that one wants to be in that kind of 'win-lose' relationship anyway: it's what they do though) - unless you give up being who you are and capitulate to their every needs, wants and whims. And believe you me they have many. And yours don't matter.

Surprisingly I'd use both techniques over the years. Flattery/positive feedback does work like a charm but it's so draining to me because I cannot tolerate myself being so 'fake' and inauthentic. Whereas negative info on a fictitious character NEVER worked with the narc in my life.. She is too much in denial to even consider that she does that 'awful' behavior (whatever it is at the time)... She even joins in on scrutinizing this despicable behavior and claims "I can never do that to my own"!!! Hopeless.. zero insight! I just need tons of patience and a way to keep my tongue inside my mouth... I have learned to establish solid boundaries, though, when it comes to my own life choices.

The only way to deal with narcissists is to systematically remove them from your life and social circles. Cut them off. You don't negotiate with evil.

I cannot change a narcissist, all I can change is MY behavior and how I respond in their presence. Thank you for your insight, excellent.

Your advice sounds good Dr.,it sounds like a mental chessmatch.i usually dont have the patience unfortunately.

I’m dealing with an extremely sensitive situation with a state licensed social worker that’s literally tried to ruin my life. She feel as though she wants me to be completely subservient. Outside of besmirching my character, gaslighting, and discreding my claims, She takes the credit for the efforts made my others. I believe this woman to be dangerous and pathological. Since I’m legally blind and am battling other physical health issues; I’ve recorded a great deal of our conversations for notation purposes. This has angered her greatly. Now I’m working towards clearing my name. How can a person like that rise to a position where they hold so much power over another? I was left homeless, threatened with criminal charges, criminalized, vilified, and briefly institutionalized... without just cause; My home, possessions, dogs, and reputation were stripped away in one days time, based on false allegations made. My saving grace is that she can’t help but to brag verbally on making said [false] allegations while threatening to make more. The same allocations that set everything in motion. Her callousness is documented... now I’m trying to figure out how to legally/ properly move forward, IMHO her license should be suspended.

To avoid criticism is great advice. If I express a want, a need, or an obvious dream, my SO takes it as criticism. If I get excited and point out something cute as we walk past a shop, I’m shot down. He says he does not acknowledge negativity. And he doesn’t, at all. That means that if I mention anything other than what is, it is completely ignored, or he does the complete opposite. I noticed it after he’d been deployed for 9 months. That he does not acknowledge negativity, even in the form of a hope, means there is no way to improve anything. When I taught my son, or helped him with homework, he told my son that was negative and cruel and demeaning. It’s like being trapped in hell for me. But while he doesn’t acknowledge these “negatives” his life is “amazing” all because of Jesus. It’s insane.

OMG, this is the first time I've really understood the difference between Grandiose and Vulnerable, specifically which one I was married to! When every single slightly negative comment is perceived as a deep personal insult? That gets old really fast. Especially looking back on a string of arguments that felt like they came from nowhere.... Turns out that just about any attempt to build partnership in a new marriage is actually a piercing insult! Some baffling classics to evoke the wounded response include: "you should try this cool other way to do that thing" "this mistake/miscommunication has happened, what can we do to prevent it from being an issue in the future?" "didn't you say you were going to put the dishes IN the dishwasher instead of ON TOP of it?" ... and even "I'm so glad you're home! Can you please take the dogs outside with you, as they've had no exercise all day because my broken tail bone makes it agony to move." If I'd had the knowledge and tools from this video alone, life would have been somewhat more pleasant. But ah well, I'm out now and got a great dog out of the deal. 😁🐾