Stop Gottman's Four Horsemen (Attack/Defend Cycle)
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Published 2023-04-22
In this webinar: Fight Fair and Repair Successfully, Laura Silverstein, LCSW reviews how to tame the first two of John Gottman's Four Horsemen.
Destructive communication styles tear down relationships one conversation at a time. The first two horsemen, criticism and defensiveness, usually gallop together in a familiar attack/defend cycle. Both partners try desperately to express themselves, and neither feels heard or understood.
During the webinar clip, you will learn:
‣ Exactly how to escape the attack/defend cycle once you're in it
‣ How to avoid entering it in the first place.
‣ How to quickly re-direct an argument from an endless cycle into a constructive dialogue
About Us:
Relationship Academy is a platform dedicated to sharing evidence-based relationship advice with couples who are passionate about relational wellness.
We believe that the grass is always greener where you water it and help couples feel happy, connected, and secure with science-backed communication skills, action-oriented relationship advice, and step-by-step guides.
Find more resources here:
laurasilverstein.co/
(Free communication exercises for couples, courses, relationship quizzes and printable PDFs)
Here is a condensed clip of a webinar presented by @TheGottmanInstitute webinar series: www.gottman.com/conversations/
All Comments (18)
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Wonderful break down. I can see where I go wrong in my communication with my wife a lot clearer. I have developed such a bad habit from past failed relationships because of this particular issue. It’s how you say it that can create a safe space to be understood.
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New subscriber, will share with everyone i know you deserve more subscribers!!!!Wow, this was so amazing. You are so great at explaining and helping me understand every word that you say. I am so happy that i found your channel. I know that your channel will benifit my relationship and for that i will always be greatful. Thank you for all that you do, your teachings your time your effort, your generosity all of it. You are an inspiration!!! I feel inspired, you made this educational video and i want more. I love what i learned thank you❤
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amaxing video Laura. It explaind the criticism defense cycle very well. I really enjoyed watching and I learned more.
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Thank you for this information.
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Thank you for your interest in this topic and I hope you find it helpful!
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Very good. Thanks for sharing.
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This was super helpful and insightful! Thank you 💗
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Ok, I got to the 9 minute mark where you described a gentle start up with the words I feel blank about blank to describe your emotion about whatever has happened. Any advice for when "I feel sad, anxious, lonely, frustrated" are all heard and interpreted by my partner as "mad"? It doesn't matter what emotion I feel, or what words I use, (or demonstrate through body language or tone of voice), to describe my emotion, unless it's a positive emotion, my husband assigns it the word "mad". I have tried telling him that it's not really reasonable for him to assign a label to MY emotion, especially when the label doesn't match what I am telling him that I am feeling. This is a behaviour that has been going on for a very, very long time, despite my protest and I am very "frustrated" with it, as it completely invalidates what I am feeling and makes me feel very unheard. 😢 Any advice for how to gently but effectively tackle this?
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This was so helpful to me thank you 🙏🏾
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An excellent video! The part at the @17:20 mark is giving hope.
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great video
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Hello, at 11.50 you speak about preventing the attack, but this is the perspective of the attacker. What if you are at the receiving end, how do you prevent that?
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My boyfriend is wondering what if there is no kernel of truth to consider….
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What if the problem...is your partner's character?
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Why did you put a gay couple??!?! Gays are different
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The Teaching is good because it’s from Gotman training. BUT in your training pictures you seem to take the liberty to assume the majority of couples you would be talking to are homosexual. I find that to be discussing and very much was a distraction to the training. If you feel you need to agree with males having sex then at least show male and female who can actually fulfill the Creation model of pro-creating human life!!!
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