Spooky House: The Worst Halloween Movie Ever

"Never been an orphan" is such a hard flex.

Princess (the goat) was actually Max's biological mom the whole time, she turned into a goat to punish him after he said that he wouldn't eat his vegetables.

this feels like a mythology thing "woman turns into jaguar to punish her husband that hates kids"

I think Zamboni is actually shockingly logical. He's a depressed eccentric magician, who lost his career because of what he thought was an accident. Let's not forget a bunch of children also did keep showing up and breaking into his house, so it was very logical for him to yell at the kids for continuing to pester him. The only part I don't think he's logical, is the end where he just forgives his wife, like bro you really just going to be a Jaguar for 11 years without telling me.

I thought when he said "I hate children", she ran away cause she was pregnant, and Max was gonna turn out to be his biological son.

him: i hate children her: 🐆 CONSEQUENCES

As a woman, I can say I would also definitely fake my death and turn into a magical jaguar for 11 years because my husband said "I hate children" to me in the middle of a magic show performance, instead of talking it over with him reasonably. Very realistic. 10/10

In regards to the bit about the Jaguar getting her tail "ever so slightly" stuck in the couch and appearing to be in agony over it - any cat owner can tell you that that's exactly what would happen. Doesn't matter that she's a majestic killing machine made of pure muscle and, I guess, magic - any cat that's lived under a domestic roof having meals freely and regularly develops the most SEVERE baby brain imaginable. This is the most believable part of the film to me.

I thought he said "I eat children" Instead of "I hate children" Lets just say I was concerned.

Random charachter: Hey you wanna go to- The kid: I CAN'T I'M AN ORPHAN Holy shit that kid's depressed

When he said “there’s a crazy twist at the end” and then “you’ll remember we haven’t seen the jaguar again yet” I legitimately thought the kid was gonna open the rocket and get mauled by it

I was legit thinking that the mysterious woman hiring the teenagers to steal was gonna be the wife the whole time

Wait that isn’t normal? My grandma was a pet lizard for 40 years because her husband said he didn’t like cherry pie

The lesson of this movie is: if you want kids but your spouse says no just turn into a jaguar for 11 years and they'll come around

Imagine being some random guy in the audience with no clue that she went missing just thinking he made someone random woman appear

I actually feel really bad for Zamboni. It's clear from the start that he didn't actually do anything to his wife, but he still gets dragged through hell over her disappearance. Kids messing with his property is obviously so common that he doesn't even react to finding his van torched. Then this group of kids keeps showing up and breaking into his house, basically harassing him. And to top it off, it turns out his wife turned herself into the jaguar because he said he hates kids. (And, yes. I did absolutely see that coming.) Really think about the ramifications of this. She disappeared and willingly let her husband get arrested and tried, let him take care of her like a pet living otherwise miserable and alone, and only decided to return when he had a change of heart and adopted Max, ultimately giving her what she wanted. That is so many levels of toxic and messed up. The bullies may have been the antagonists, but Dawn Star was the villain.

Zamboni: low key traumatizes children and is accused of blowing up his wife Max: You are my da~ad, you’re my dad! Boogie woogie woogie

6 year old kid- "I have nothing to live for." Jesus Christ. He sounds like someone in a midlife crisis. Lol

Actually at 18:03 the “nerdy girl” is actor Simon Baker who is a Native male of the Squamish & Haida nations as well as Cree! I get why you could’ve mixed him up b/c of his hair but it unfortunately happens a lot to native boys. My brother used to wear his hair in long braids as a child & would get called a girl all the time, it made him so upset he ended up cutting his hair off. Luckily, he’s older now & has regrown his hair out again, it’s such a big representation of who we are as an individual & as a culture.

I like that Zamboni does not even question Dawn after she turns back Like she framed him for murder and let him simmer in his trauma from literally killing the love of his life and he doesn't even flinch when she appears again Shit I guess he's just that good of a performer